Making it Work #wycwyc

So about a year and a half ago I read a book called “What You Can When You Can” given to me by one of my best friends. It was a quick and easy read (I highly recommend it) and I totally understood the message. At the time I was fully immersed in a lifestyle of “DO ALL THE THINGS: Plan a wedding, work out 6 days a week, cook for every meal, go, go, go!” Maybe I didn’t fully grasp the concept of the title of the book. I sure as hell do now!

Soooo, you all know I’m moving from Louisiana to Oregon in less than a month. HOLY CRAP. I’ve spent the last 28 years in the same place with the same people and never being more than an hour away from my family. and now I’m moving 2500 miles away. WUT?

Don’t get me wrong, I’m excited! I’ve learned that without risk in life you might not ever reap the reward that comes with taking a leap. My mental health has been far from normal and far from optimal. Living without your husband for 5 months while living on the floor on a mattress with your shit (what’s left of it) literally scattered around your parents’ house is no fun. I’m making it work. I’m pushing through. I’ve put aside my emotions for the better part of half of a year and now it’s all coming to a head. THIS IS HAPPENING.

In the meantime, I’ve been working a lot and spending a lot of time and energy on things other than my physical health. I’ve gained and lost the same 10 lbs since June. I was ABOVE WEDDING WEIGHT for a few weeks. Most people dream of getting back to their wedding day size while I swore I would never go back. The holidays were a nightmare for so many reasons. I was missing my husband; However, I was still meal prepping. I was still going to the gym on the weekends and I was walking at least a mile or two every day.

What You Can When You Can. I think I’m starting to get it…

wycwyc

I went so far off the tracks since Thanksgiving I didn’t know where or how to get back on when the new year rolled around. I found some sort of stability in attempting to focus energy on getting my diet back in control the last month, but every emotion and all my anxiety has really come to the surface now that the move is upon us.

I’m not sleeping well (and if you know me, you know I LOVE to sleep and can for 10 hours with no issue), I’m not exercising but twice a week other than walking, but my eating has been under control this last week and I’m feeling a lot better. I’ve read so much about how diet affects mood and I’m here to tell you, that shit is true. I’m not following any “rules” this time around because I’ve learned to be gentle with myself and not set myself up for failure if I eat a freakin cracker or something. I’m listening to my body and eating when I’m hungry and fueling it properly (Imagine that?? It works.)

I went to secure my job and find a place to live last week and ate everything you could possibly imagine. I came home to my clothes not fitting, my anxiety higher, and was bloated beyond control. I got my head in the game the next morning and lost 6 lbs of bloat in a week. While I am still 8 lbs higher than my lowest weight last summer, I’m giving myself a freakin break.

This year has been a freakin crazy train! When I look back at the last 6 months, my whole world has been flipped upside down. Honestly, I’m just grateful. I’m blessed to have a roof over my head, a supporting family who has taken me in, a wonderful husband who has sacrificed so much and has been alone in Oregon working so we can afford this change, and I have some of the best friends in the entire world who have been there every time my crazy ass needs guidance, support, and love.
It’s not going to be easy to transition, but I have extremely high hopes. I’m more than cautiously optimistic. I actually expect to thrive. We are going to live on an acre and a half of land where I can finally attempt to turn my brown thumb green (I have my own orchard of apricot, cherry and apple trees-WOO!), and I’m going to be so close to so much outdoor beauty that will also include my love of hiking/biking and exploring. It is such a beautiful place and I’m beyond words when it comes to how happy I am that we are given such a wonderful opportunity.

When life stabilizes on the other side of this journey, I expect to have more time to devote to my fitness and I can’t wait to share the news with you as I travel these uncharted waters.

roguerivervalley

 

Until then, just do What You Can When You Can. I know that’s my plan!

Catch ya on the flip side!

Over Eaters (Not So) Anonymous

Holidays. OOF.

I woke up this morning with the intention of making healthy recipes to get me through the work week. I knew it was Easter Sunday and that I would be tempted by not so healthy options. “I’m strong,” I told myself all day. I will just eat before I go over to the parents’ house and make my healthy dinner after I get home. I knew I wasn’t exercising today (gym closed for the holiday) and it was raining so I didn’t even go for a walk outside. I slept in. I had a healthy breakfast and lunch. I get to their house. IMMEDIATE FAIL. Usually when I go over there I’m not even tempted by the dozens of sweets, but today I went straight to the cookies. I ate at least 4 right away. It was like a time warp and I was 100 lbs heavier and living at home again. No self control and one cookie turns into another…

cookies

I decided I was going to learn a recipe my mom has made my entire life handed down from my dad’s mom: Mexican mac n cheese. I’ve always eaten it at holidays and today I thought I would just learn to make it and not indulge. IMMEDIATE FAIL. I made it and ate a medium sized portion. With a roll. And ham. And potato salad. I ate a small serving of steamed broccoli to convince myself that it all balanced out. I was full. SO FULL. I don’t eat any of those things ever so eating them all at once was overwhelming. So obviously I ate peach pie, a small piece of chocolate cake and 2 more cookies. GET A GRIP ON YOURSELF!!

I know, I know, it’s a holiday and I don’t eat like that every day (not even really once in a while) so it’s no big deal, right? I get it. I used to eat like that every day (how else did I get to almost 275 lbs??) and I should be glad I take better care of myself now. I am glad. Days like this remind me how important it is to maintain a healthy lifestyle. I feel simply awful. Drag down, knock out awful.

I need Cher in my life to smack me around.

snap out of it

I am not perfect. The struggle is real. Even when I make all the right choices I can be hard on myself.

Where’s Elsa when you need her?

let-it-go-frozen

Striving for perfection is unrealistic and, frankly, exhausting. I just hate how I feel when I eat poorly. Right now I feel bloated, nauseated, and depleted. The real reason why I’m so disappointed is not that I feel gross right now or that I ate so much today. The real reason I feel badly is because one bad day sometimes spirals me into several bad days, or a bad week and so on. It’s ridiculous to think that because I ate poorly today that I predict I will eat poorly tomorrow, but sugar addiction is real. One taste and I want more. So first thing tomorrow morning my body will be saying that I NEEEEEEEED it. It will be a fight for a couple of days and that Easter candy I told my mom I didn’t need will be calling my name. Throw it away, you say? Yeaaaah, the fat kid in me struggles with that idea.

cadbury

I’m a fat person. Maybe I’m not physically obese anymore and I’m just overweight, but all the tendencies I have towards food and the way I think about it are just like that of an obese person. It is a process and maybe even when I’m a healthy weight I will still have those tendencies. It’s a lifelong struggle that I will be dealing with for years, and possibly the rest of my life.

You are probably saying that I’m overreacting and it was no big deal and I’m making a huge deal out of nothing. That’s all very true; I agree. The only “big deal” is that now I have introduced sugar back into my diet and after struggling all last week to get it out, I’m back on day 1. It’s like resetting the sobriety app on your phone when you are an addict. You have a drink and it’s day 1 all over again.

day 1

Another reason I’m being so very hard on myself is I’m desperately trying to save myself from the pain caused by my endometriosis. I know how wheat, sugar, and dairy affects it and the pain I’ve been having is only going to get worse by feeding it with these inflammatory foods. It’s like poisoning myself when all I want to do is feel better. I like being in control of the things I can actually have control over. This is one of those things and I’m not in control. I can regain it and it will be fine, but for today I feel like I spiraled out.

On days like today I have to remind myself that it was just one meal on one day out of an entire week inside a month of an entire year where I was pretty damn healthy. I just never want to misrepresent to anyone that I’m perfect or that I don’t struggle like every one does. It’s been said to live by the 80%/20% rule. If you make healthy decisions most of the time, it is ok to enjoy things every once in a while. I have to tell myself that expecting perfection is putting far too much pressure on myself. In my heart of hearts I know I’m doing great. I just have to reset the metaphoric app tomorrow and start over on day 1 and tell myself that doing the best I can is damn good enough.

Holidays are celebrations and there will always be food as part of these gatherings. I need to realize that when these days come around I can enjoy the food in moderation and get right back on track afterward. In the grand scheme of things, I’m not gaining back the 100 lbs, right????

winning